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Thursday, January 4th, 2001
11:51 am - Making Peace
I haven't written for a while because I got sick and tired of my parentals and announced to them that I was going to go to my grandmother's house in Winston. So I did, and I missed my computer, but I saw Meaghan every day, even rang in the new year with her. (That is, after my parents prohibited me from spending the evening at a party.) Meg and I went out for dinner with Shawna and Josh (her bf), which was really cool. I think we'll be seeing a lot more of her next semester, and I'm glad. We also went out to eat with Noelle (my ex-girlfriend), and Niki (an old friend of mine) and Hannah (her girlfriend). That was nice. I almost think Noelle has started to grow up. When she had me alone, she told me she was learning to get over the breakup, and that she was happy for me, happy that I could fall in love again. That means a helluva lot to me.

Until next time...
Susie Q

current mood: hungry

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Tuesday, December 26th, 2000
1:06 pm - Stepping Out
Last night, the *whole* family came over for Christmas dinner. I had been thinking about coming out to my favorite aunt for a while. She's got a lot of gay friends, she goes to a gay church, etc., etc. So last night, I did.

I had intended to ease into the subject, but instead, I just blurted out, "I'm gay." She asked me if I was sure and I said yes. That was all she needed to hear. She gave me a big hug and told me she was going to help me deal with this. She said she couldn't love me any more if I was her own daughter. She told me about her cousin Harriet who had been living with her partner, Peggy, for over 20 years when Harriet developed cancer. Harriet's mother, Edith, never knew. When Harriet was dying, Peggy explained the situation to Edith. Edith didn't believe her and from then on, absolutely hated Peggy. Harriet died, and Edith didn't want Peggy to sit with the family at the funeral. My grandmother gathered the entire family, including Peggy, at her house, sat them all down, and informed them that Peggy *would* be sitting with the family, because Peggy *was* family. My aunt said she had never been so proud of my Grandmommy! (And it confirmed my belief that I come from a long line of people with homosexual tendencies!) My aunt asked me if there was anyone special, and I said yes. My aunt wants to meet Meaghan, and that makes me so happy! She also told me she would check out an organization through her church that was a support group for young gays and lesbians. She asked me how long I had known I was gay, and I said a couple of years. She said I was probably having so much trouble in school because of this. She's *almost* right. I was having more trouble studying because I was (and am) having sex all the time than because I was (and am) struggling with my sexuality. Whew! I feel like an enormous weight is off of me! I feel so damn GOOD!

Until next time...
Susie Q

current mood: loved

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Sunday, December 24th, 2000
11:55 pm - 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
Merry Christmas to everyone!!!

For those of you that were on the edge of your seats with suspense, I *did* get most of the stuff on my to-do list (posted earlier) done today. I visited Grandmommy and sort of cleaned my room. Sort of. Oh well, that's boring and I'm tired.

A merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Until next time...
Susie Q

current mood: calm

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11:19 am - Another Minor Fuck-Up
Alright, so the latest dastardly thing I've done is not get up for church this morning. It pissed my mom off, as did the incident yesterday where I wouldn't get up for Christmas brunch with my family. And to think -- I was trying to be on my best behavior so I can go to Winston on New Year's, and kiss the love of my life when the ball drops at midnight. I've had to brainstorm a list of things that might redeem me in my parents eyes for this little slip.

1. Be showered and dressed by the time they get home.

2. Visit my grandmother in the nursing home this afternoon.

3. Find a skirt to wear to the Christmas Eve service tonight.

Hopefully that should do it. On top of that, sometime this afternoon I need to do some laundry (the handwashables -- yuck) and deliver the remainder of my friends' Christmas presents. Well, I better run off to get clean and pretty.

Until next time...
Susie Q

current mood: determined

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Saturday, December 23rd, 2000
2:29 pm - Unidentifiable Funk
This morning my mother's family came over for Christmas, and I felt so fucking miserable I didn't get out of bed. I don't know what it was. I finally came down an hour later, after everyone had finished eating, and we opened presents. I felt so shitty.

My dad started pissing me off -- I told him I needed a new keyboard for my computer because my roommate spilled Wild Cherry Pepsi on the number pad and it no longer functions. He went shell (we're talking about a $10 investment) and said he wasn't going to pay for it, that if my roommate did it, she should have to pay for it. Well, $10 is a lot to her, and it's a lot to me, and I didn't bring it up to her ever because I'm hell bent on having good roommate relations. I don't even know if she knows she's the one who did it. God -- I can't wait to have an apartment of my own (well, at least a room).

Meaghan and I have been talking about cohabitation. The problems are as follows:

1. My parents are overbearing and controlling. They don't want me to live off-campus (even if I find an apartment at a comparable price to dorming) because that will give them even less control over my life. They won't even let me have my car at school because they won't be able to keep tabs on my whereabouts if I get one (two friends have offered me free parking spaces, and secondly, my parents only *think* they know what I do now, but I can't bring up that point lest I inflict even more restrictions upon my self). So the only solution to that is to either get kicked out of the dorms or be able to pay for my own apartment.

2. Meaghan can't get out of her lease at her over-priced apartment. It won't run out until August 2001, and I sure as hell can't afford to move in with her.

Okay, let's review my options. I can get kicked out of the dorms. I'm a cutter and a lesbian, so that's easy enough. I can move in Meaghan's room with her and split her rent and utilities. This would be the cheapest, but then I would have to explain to my parents why I want to move into a smaller room than my dorm, and share a bed with a lesbian (keep in mind my parents don't know I'm gay). My other option is to get a job, and somehow pay for an apartment. Now, I'm a full time student and my working hours are limited. Remember also that I don't have a car, so I have to be able to walk there from campus, and make a ridiculously large amount of money for the little time I can put in.

If you've read through this whole entry (bless your heart!), you must have some opinion on my dorm/ apartment predicament/ my controlfreak parents/ my job problem. Please, please let me know! Anything will help!

Until next time...
Susie Q

current mood: miserable

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12:07 am - More of the Same
I saw Meaghan today, and I'm happy hApPy HAPPY!!! She bleached and dyed a streak of hair blue, and I was pretty sure it was going to be wretched, but she did an awesome job and it's *so* cute! But I miss her already. I met her two little sisters too, and they're darling. I even (gasp!) met her mother. Well, sort of met her. I said hi, and she managed a tight-lipped smile, but I understand it's not easy for her and I was surprised she could even stand to see me at all. I was sitting in her daughter's lap, no less. My only regret is that I didn't get to see Meg for longer.

Sixteen more days till we're back in school. Surely I can hold out that long.

Speaking of school, I'm not doing so well. Actually, that's not entirely accurate. Here's why -- first semester grades came back, and these are my grades:

U* CH101 (Chem)
D CH102 (Chem lab)
B+ FLF201 (French)
F MA141 (Calc)
U* MA293E (Calc tutorial)
IP** E497F (Inro to engineering)

*U means I failed the class, but it was credit only so it won't show up on my GPA
**IP means in progress -- I still haven't gotten my grades back for this class, but I'm expecting an A or a B

My GPA stands at 1.33 right now. Not too impressive for a former honor student turned mad slacker. Fortunately, though, I can take any 3 classes over, so I'll take MA141, CH101, and CH102. Now wasn't that exciting?

Oh, there's something else I wanted to mention. Meaghan's sisters liked me so much today because I'm a girly-girl. We talked shopping and make-up, and blah blah blah. It reminded me of the butch/femme thing. Obviously, most people catagorize me as femme. I think it's pretty stupid. I don't think labels are necessary -- whoa, I am coming across as way more open-minded than I am. So there's my two cents.

Until next time...
Susie Q

current mood: cheerful

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Thursday, December 21st, 2000
2:32 pm - A Little Soap Opera For You
As I promised, here is the story of how Meaghan and I ended up together. I'll keep it as short and interesting as possible. Behold, the cast of characters:

(these are all Salem Academy graduates or attendees)

Me (class of '00)
Shawna (class of '00)
Noelle (class of '01)
Meaghan (class of '99)
Michele (class of '99)

Part I: Background (or, Who's Fucking Whom)

Meaghan and Michele had a turbulent friend/ lover relationship their junior and senior years of high school. Part of the problem was that Meaghan had a crush on Shawna her senior year (and Shawna's junior).

Meanwhile, Noelle had a crush on Meaghan. That is, until I started school at Salem. Noelle and I started dating, but I was never really friends with the other girls who bided their time lusting after eachother. In fact, I disliked most of them.

Part II: The Shawna Months (or, What the Hell Was I Thinking?)

After 13 months with Noelle, she and I broke up in May of 2000 because I was leaving for college. After we broke up, though I loved and missed her very much, it was relieving to be single again.

I went to orientation at NC State that July, and lo and behold, Shawna was there too. I had thought about Shawna before, about how I might like to date her, so I made my move. My roommate for the night had disappeared and heaven forbid I should sleep in that room by myself, I asked Shawna to stay with me that night.

That night we had sex, and afterwards, cuddling on that godforsaken twin bed, she asked, "So, are we girlfriends now?" To which I answered, "I hope so." And I did. I was so happy to be Shawna's girlfriend. We didn't see eachother much that summer. She lives an hour away from me, and besides that, she went up to PA to work for 2 months. But when school started, we were together again though we lived on opposite sides of the campus.

Part III: The Beginning of the End (or, Chasing Meaghan)

Shawna and Meaghan had been close friends before Shawna found out about Meaghan's crush. When she found out, they both did some cruel things to eachother and were never friends again. So, since we were all at State, I decided I would make friends of them.

I called Meaghan and we talked on the phone a couple of times, and I talked to Shawna and told her my plan to get them back together. She was wary at first, as was Meaghan when I asked her to come see Shawna and me. But she did come see us, and soon Meaghan and Shawna were on the verge of close friendship again. Once, Shawna confided in me that she was glad she and Meaghan were friends again.

Shawna also confided in Meaghan that she couldn't believe Shawna and I had been dating for 2 months and she hadn't even cheated on me yet.

So Shawna and I went on dating, and Meaghan and I got closer and closer. I spent more time with Meaghan than I did Shawna, and there was an obvious chemistry between us.

Part IV: The Inevitable (or, How I Screwed Over Two Good People)

One night, lying in my bed, Meaghan and I got a little physical. We were making out, etc., and we came thisclose to having sex. The night after that, we did. And then the night after that, and the night after that.

Somewhere in here, some *bad* shit went down; however, it's a long story, and I don't feel like getting into it because it always depresses me. Maybe I'll write about it later.

In a nutshell, Shawna had some idea about what was going on, and at a party, she asked Meaghan after she'd been drinking heavily if she had slept with me. Meaghan confessed.

Shawna called me around 3AM from the party, and in the bitchiest, most civil tone of voice, she explained to me that whatever we had had between us, it was over. I politely agreed and I hung up the phone. From what I've heard, she then went back to the party and announced to everyone that she had just broken up with me (I was not out at the time) because I slept with Meaghan. Forgive the melodrama -- Shawna's an actress.

The next day Shawna came over to my dorm to get my stuff. She started sobbing and apologizing, and somehow, some way, we got back together.

Meanwhile, I was still sleeping with Meaghan.

I week later, Shawna and I had a long talk about us. I think she knew what was going on, and I also am pretty sure that by that time, she had a little something on the side, too. We broke up, but have remained friends. Meaghan and I have been dating ever since. Shawna dated one guy for a while, and has a boyfriend now of a month and a half.

Part V: Conclusion (or, A Glimmer of Hope)

Writing this now, I feel a lot of old guilt for what I did to Shawna. I'm lucky she is still my friend, for what I've put her through. She told me last night that she thinks I've been good for Meaghan, and that makes me really happy. I wish her all the best with her new boyfriend, and all the happiness in the world. I love both of them very much -- Meaghan, as my lover, and Shawna, as my dear friend.

Until next time...
Susie Q

current mood: relieved

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1:07 pm - Meaghan's Sisters
Meaghan called last night -- it was such a relief to hear from her! Being on the phone is better than nothing, but it made me want to be close to her. I hope I can drive up there and see her soon. Plus, I've got to give her sisters thier Christmas presents. They haven't met me yet, but they've gone from complete mistrust of me in the beginning stages of our relationship to acceptance and support. Emily (age 15) told her French class that if "my sister wants to go to Vermont to marry Sally, I stand behind them both!" I think that's definitely a good sign!

I forgot what the original motive of this journal entry was, and I'm overloaded on IM's right now, so I'll write more later when I have a point.

Until next time...
Susie Q

current mood: content

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Wednesday, December 20th, 2000
6:51 pm - Allies in the Family
I've been thinking about coming out to my favorite aunt over Christmas. She and her husband attend a really gay friendly Lutheran church, and they are both allies in the gay community. There are several things that I still worry about, though. Will she tell my parents? Even if she does, the only reason she'd do it is because she thinks it's the best thing to do. Will she be totally unaccepting? Just because she supports the gay cause does not mean she'll be happy having a lesbian neice. I'm going to wait until I see her and feel out the situation.

My little sister Molly wants to see *But I'm a Cheerleader*, so I'm renting that for her tonight. It's the coolest movie. If anybody else in the family were to go gay, it would be Molly.

I really wish I could get in touch with Meaghan. I emailed her again, but I don't even know if she's home yet. Even if she *is* home, her crazy ass mother won't let her use the phone or internet because she doesn't want Meaghan to get in touch with *me*.

I talked to my old best friend today. She didn't sound all that excited about talking to me. She and I used to be really close, then some shit happened at our school and I moved away to a boarding school for the remainder of high school. She found another best friend and we haven't been close since. She knows I've been seeing girls for a while now, and she wants me to be normal, to be straight.

Until next time...
Susie Q

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Tuesday, December 19th, 2000
7:30 pm - Christmas Vacation Bitchings
Pout. I miss Meaghan. She's in Raleigh sans phone service and I'm stuck here, 3 hours away, in Hickory with my family. Yuck.

I'm pissed off at my dad because of my car (In short, I don't have my car at school, so when I look forward to driving it when I get home. However, today, much like he did over Thanksgiving, he prevented me from driving because *he* would rather drive *my* car sometimes. Never mind that I drive a '93 Jeep Grand Cherokee that has to be repaired, like, every 5 minutes, and he drives a tight little Honda S2000 with red leather interior that I am not allowed to touch.). Betsy (younger sister, age 14) is being Maximum Teenager and goes into a great deal of drama every so often about how she is *not* happy that I am home. And I am?

So of *course* I'm missing Meaghan. Everything just feels right when we're together. I'd settle down with her, buy a house, maybe kids after a while. Later, I'll write about how I ended up with Meaghan -- it's quite a little soap opera.

Until next time...
Susie Q

current mood: lonely

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